Love the One You're With

Happy Valentine’s Day! I have friends all over the map when it comes to Valentine’s Day – everywhere from “it’s a holiday created by Hallmark” to “I LOVE Valentine’s Day!!!!” I’m somewhere toward the former but not all the way there.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a day to commemorate the ones we love, especially that one special Valentine. I do think there’s something wrong with people who have expectations of these people they supposedly love…to be something or do something that's unnatural to them.

My friend told me a story about his ex-wife today that is so revealing to him in retrospect. He was pressured into buying high-end jewelry EVERY Valentine’s Day. It would cause him stress “will she like it?” – “will this be good enough?” She would typically return any jewelry he bought her for an “upgrade” – usually something that cost $500 more than the original gift…that was then on his credit card. I know the pain he has endured through this divorce. It pains me more to know things like this that went on for the duration of their marriage. I’m sure there are many more painful things he keeps to himself.

My boss and I had a conversation on Valentine’s Day last year. He said he used to get his wife flowers every year and wait to see her exuberance. She was never exuberant. Flowers just aren’t a big deal to her. He said he read the book Love Languages by Gary Chapman a few years ago and it completely changed his perspective. He’s a wise man, so I think I purchased the book that very day (you probably should, too)! I will gift it to each of my children before they are married. It talks about knowing what “speaks” to that person you love – what tells them you love them…it may not be what you think.

It’s really about listening and observing the one you love – paying attention to what they respond to. Rich told me many years ago that a card I purchased at a store has much less meaning for him than something I write – even a short email. I didn’t listen at first and kept getting him cards and wondering why he wasn’t bowled over by the message! I know not to expect flowers from him on Valentine’s Day, my birthday, or any other day…except the day our daughter was born. 

He thinks they’re a waste of money and he’s probably right. He would rather I chose a place to go out to eat because he will eat anything and I have specifications, so he won’t surprise me with dinner out. If I want something electronic – a phone, camera or computer – he’s out the door on the way to buy it. It doesn’t matter what day it is. He values those things.

It’s hard enough to get through this life together without adding ridiculous expectations; inventing reasons to be angry or disappointed. Rich’s way of expressing his love to me is to wrap me in a warm embrace, eyes closed and tell me Happy Valentine’s Day and that he loves me. I’ll take that over gifts or flowers any day of the week.