The Great Misbehavers

My brother-in-law, Danny, is writing a book. He’s been working on it for at least 22 years and we all anxiously await its publishing. It’s a parenting book. The first of his nieces and nephews were born in 1989, so he probably started to voice his opinions on parenting in 1991 or so with the typical, “MY kid is never going act like that!” in response to my toddling sons misbehavior. This went on for some time and through many more children on both sides of the family before his first child was born in the year 2000.

That’s when he realized, no doubt, like the rest of us parents that these kids aren’t moldable clay to fashion any way we choose. They are real live human beings with real live opinions, wants, needs and preferences of their own and a surprising WILL to express them at the most inopportune times – like the time my boys were staying with my sister Kristi and Danny (my free babysitting when I was a single mom) while I worked nights. Alex elected to use one of these times to let my sister know she wasn’t the boss of him. When she argued back, he said she wasn’t the boss of that room (in her house). She countered again and his final attempt was, “Well…you’re not the boss of the world!”

Our job, as parents, even of these particularly obstinate little guys is to guide them through the early part of their lives; showing them how to navigate safely while keeping in mind their way may look a bit different than ours or the one we would prefer or have planned for them.

This has become even more evident in my new role as grandma to Miss Abby. In helping Alex through these first few months, I’ve explained to him that he needs to learn her – her preferences, what calms her, what she thinks is funny. On a particularly frustrating evening, she wouldn’t take her bottle from him while she was lying down. It’s because she prefers to sit straight up with her back against your chest while she eats. He tried this and sent me a text later: “OMG, that was SO much easier.” Even at 6 months old, she is exerting her independence, expressing her individuality.

I was considering myself all wise and grandmotherly the next morning – the lesson of learning your child had been passed on. Until, at the bus stop, Allison saw a T.V. flickering in someone’s bedroom window. She lamented, “I wish I had a T.V. in my room.” I said I didn’t because I think those people might have trouble sleeping at night because when they go into their room, their brain is saying (in my goofy voice), “It’s time to watch T.V.! We better stay awake!” and when people who don’t have a T.V. go in their room at night their brain is saying (another goofy voice), “Ah, it’s time to be calm and get ready to sleep. I can’t wait to sleep.” She looked at me and said, “I don’t like it when you use voices like that because it makes me think you’re possessed and that something bad is going to happen.” I’m continuing to learn as I go…each child so different than the one before.

As far as the older children go, I have found that Harry S. Truman had it right: “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” Danny might find that out for himself, someday…and put that quote in his book.

                                                          The Great Misbehavers -
                                                 Michaela, Alex, Adam and Emily