From Cruelty to Clarity

You wouldn’t believe the cruel things I’ve been told throughout the years – by regular people AND professionals. Maybe you would. From another human: “You’re an unfit mother because you’re a food addict.” From a doctor in Florida whom I was asking for help: “You just need to push yourself away from the table.” Thank you both… These are just a couple of examples – there are so many more comments and insults that are being extricated in the Spring Cleaning of the Mind I wrote about last.

The reason I’m so focused on all of this lately is that I have lost and then regained the same 10 pounds three times in the last five months. Something has me stuck here. I’m not sure what it is but I have to get to the bottom of it in order to get past this place. So, I’m researching the reasons people overeat…trying to wrap my head around what’s completely baffled me for years.

As I wrote in February of this year, after the F.A.S.T. Conference:

We came away from this conference inspired! We were not told that

we got the way we are because of some outside influence we should

blame. We were told that this is the way we are – this is the hand we

were dealt. We are eaters – the lot of us. There’s no quick fix. We were

told that we deserve everything we want in life IF we take personal

responsibility and work really hard. What a concept!

I believe all of this to be true. I have taken personal responsibility. I have worked REALLY hard. Yet, my analytical mind wants to know the “why?” – how did this happen and why can’t I continue to make forward progress? Is it a wiring problem in my brain? Is it a neurotransmitter or hormone imbalance? Do I have overactive opioid receptors that make me respond to food as a drug addict would to cocaine? Is my psyche nearly irreparably damaged? These are all cited as reasons people overeat – these and our culture – an overabundance of food in conjunction with constant commercials, signs, and pop-ups on our computer encouraging us to eat more.

I won’t know about my hormones, neurotransmitters or opioid receptors unless I volunteer for some medical study or another. I probably won’t. The research I’ve done says an awareness of these imbalances and how they affect your brain and body may be enough. You’ll be able to curb eating by checking in with yourself – is this real hunger? Or is this something else? Awareness, apparently, can go a long way.

As far as my psyche goes, it’s mostly fine. There is one, not-so-tiny caveat - the last time I weighed what I weigh now was twenty-two years ago. I have to take into account that I was in an unhealthy relationship at that time and some memory of those stressed and unhappy years may be weaseling in and working against me. Like muscle memory, could there be ‘size memory?’ That just means more Spring Cleaning…more countering of the inner critic who’s been wreaking havoc for years using someone else’s voice…not my own.

In so many ways, this journey has been about finding my voice: asking for what I need, putting myself first, sticking up for what I believe in. Next, I need to allow my own voice to be the loudest one in my head while filtering out all the noise from other sources unconcerned with my well-being. I’m convinced that finding this clarity is the answer. 

Photo Courtesy of: www.care2.com