...but I Need My Space

Empathy is a good thing. From my work as a nurse then a nurse practitioner to being a wife to the raising of my kids– it has served me well. Issues arise – I’ve described it before as feeling like the canary in a mine, too fragile for this world – when I haven’t taken care of myself like I need to. I get overwhelmed with life in this family and in this society as a whole; again, too much of a good thing, too much empathy. .

I ran across an article recently titled, “How to Love an Empath.” Before I read that, I knew that I had exceptional intuition and overactive empathy. I just didn’t know they went together and I certainly didn’t know anyone needed strategies for how to love someone like me

Dr. Judith Orloff explains what an emotional empath is:

           Empaths are highly sensitive, finely tuned instruments when it comes

to emotions. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, and are

less apt to intellectualize feelings. Intuition is the filter through which

they experience the world. Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually

attuned, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it.

Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers.

 

The trademark of empaths is that they know where you’re coming from.

Some can do this without taking on people’s feelings. However, for better

or worse, others, like myself and many of my patients, can become angst-

sucking sponges. This often overrides the sublime capacity to absorb

positive emotions and all that is beautiful. If empaths are around peace

and love, their bodies assimilate these and flourish. Negativity, though,

often feels assaultive, exhausting. Thus, they’re particularly easy marks

for emotional vampires, whose fear or rage can ravage empaths. As a

subconscious defense, they may gain weight as a buffer.

 

How many of you can identify the emotional vampires you’ve known by name? Raise your hand! Me too! I’ve called them “joy-sucking vortexes” – same diff.

I wrote about this a little bit in Grave Injustices last year. I didn’t know what to call it then, but it showed that I’d started listening to my internal angst some and limiting things like T.V. (particularly news). But I need to do more – listen to my body, mind and soul when I need a break, some alone time to recharge and distance myself from negativity – both online and in person that can suck my energy dry.

Over the years, I have had to (sometimes successfully, sometimes not) step back, breathe and decide, “Is this my fight?” A lot of times this has been at the urging of my husband after he’s witnessed how certain things can emotionally ravage me; most of the time it’s not my fight. The practice of letting go is ongoing…

Dr. Orloff’s quiz to see if you’re an empath will be eye-opening, especially for my nurse friends:

QUIZ: AM I AN EMPATH?

Ask yourself:

·         Have I been labeled as “too emotional” or overly sensitive?

·         If a friend is distraught, do I start feeling it too?

·         Are my feelings easily hurt?

·         Am I emotionally drained by crowds, require time alone to revive?

·         Do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talk?

·         Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave when I please?

·         Do I overeat to cope with emotional stress?

·         Am I afraid of becoming engulfed by intimate relationships?

If you answer “yes” to 1-3 of these questions, you’re at least part empath. Responding “yes” to more than 3 indicates that you’ve found your emotional type.

Recognizing that you’re an empath is the first step in taking charge of your

emotions instead of constantly drowning in them. Staying on top of empathy will

improve your self-care and relationships.

 

It may be a little uncomfortable to admit but it’s also a step in the right direction – discovering what to name these feelings and knowing you’re not broken because you react this way. Knowing, as Dr. Orloff says, “No.” is a one word sentence – use it when you need to. You don’t need permission from anyone to do what you need to live comfortably in your own skin. You don’t even have to explain, except to those people who love you and they will understand and embrace you after you’ve had time to rejuvenate with some silence and solitude.

 

My favorite meditation focus - solitude.

The Great Misbehavers

My brother-in-law, Danny, is writing a book. He’s been working on it for at least 22 years and we all anxiously await its publishing. It’s a parenting book. The first of his nieces and nephews were born in 1989, so he probably started to voice his opinions on parenting in 1991 or so with the typical, “MY kid is never going act like that!” in response to my toddling sons misbehavior. This went on for some time and through many more children on both sides of the family before his first child was born in the year 2000.

That’s when he realized, no doubt, like the rest of us parents that these kids aren’t moldable clay to fashion any way we choose. They are real live human beings with real live opinions, wants, needs and preferences of their own and a surprising WILL to express them at the most inopportune times – like the time my boys were staying with my sister Kristi and Danny (my free babysitting when I was a single mom) while I worked nights. Alex elected to use one of these times to let my sister know she wasn’t the boss of him. When she argued back, he said she wasn’t the boss of that room (in her house). She countered again and his final attempt was, “Well…you’re not the boss of the world!”

Our job, as parents, even of these particularly obstinate little guys is to guide them through the early part of their lives; showing them how to navigate safely while keeping in mind their way may look a bit different than ours or the one we would prefer or have planned for them.

This has become even more evident in my new role as grandma to Miss Abby. In helping Alex through these first few months, I’ve explained to him that he needs to learn her – her preferences, what calms her, what she thinks is funny. On a particularly frustrating evening, she wouldn’t take her bottle from him while she was lying down. It’s because she prefers to sit straight up with her back against your chest while she eats. He tried this and sent me a text later: “OMG, that was SO much easier.” Even at 6 months old, she is exerting her independence, expressing her individuality.

I was considering myself all wise and grandmotherly the next morning – the lesson of learning your child had been passed on. Until, at the bus stop, Allison saw a T.V. flickering in someone’s bedroom window. She lamented, “I wish I had a T.V. in my room.” I said I didn’t because I think those people might have trouble sleeping at night because when they go into their room, their brain is saying (in my goofy voice), “It’s time to watch T.V.! We better stay awake!” and when people who don’t have a T.V. go in their room at night their brain is saying (another goofy voice), “Ah, it’s time to be calm and get ready to sleep. I can’t wait to sleep.” She looked at me and said, “I don’t like it when you use voices like that because it makes me think you’re possessed and that something bad is going to happen.” I’m continuing to learn as I go…each child so different than the one before.

As far as the older children go, I have found that Harry S. Truman had it right: “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” Danny might find that out for himself, someday…and put that quote in his book.

                                                          The Great Misbehavers -
                                                 Michaela, Alex, Adam and Emily

Good Clean Food

My favorite place to eat for the past year has been Chipotle, specifically, their chicken bowl sans rice: pinto beans, chicken, mild salsa, sour cream and cheese. It’s bursting with flavor and feels good on my belly. Since I quit gluten, I don’t typically have the boggy gut feeling after I eat anything – even the gluten-free pasta sits well. Chipotle gives an even better feeling – a good clean food feeling – you know the one. A bonus to this great feeling is they have a nutrition calculator on their website under MENU at Chipotle – so you can figure out your calories before you go! The website also discusses the vision of the restaurant and the integrity of the food.

I’ve made my version of chipotle at home using the recipes on this site: Chipotle Copycat Recipes It was good and very close to the restaurant version but it took some time. What I like to make more often, that gives me that same good-clean-food feeling is fajitas. I have a countertop Cuisinart Griddle/Grill. I grill all the ingredients for the fajitas on it. I prefer the texture of flour fajita wraps, but I’ve found some white corn ones that are also pretty soft and not so gritty.

Chicken Fajitas

4 Green Peppers, cleaned and sliced

2 Large Onions, sliced

4 Chicken breasts, sliced

Fajita spice of your choice – we use Market Pantry’s version

Sour Cream

Shredded Cheese

Slice vegetables on a cutting board first and sprinkle with fajita spice, tossing gently to distribute. I usually have to do two grill-full’s of each ingredient. You can cut the meat ahead of time and keep in the fridge with the fajita spice on it but I usually don’t – slice it on the cutting board and toss with fajita spice as well. I keep each ingredient covered as it gets done (8 min on the grill is usually enough for everything), so everything is warm when served. Assemble by placing 1 tbsp sour cream on one side of a fajita wrap, top with 1 oz chicken and as many veggies as you can fit, followed by 0.5 oz cheese – wrap up and enjoy! I serve with refried beans, chips and salsa.

Nutrition facts for 2 fajitas (2 wraps, 2oz chicken, 1 tbsp sour cream, 1 oz cheese):

*I don’t count the calories in the veggies as there’s not that many you can fit

Calories: 457

Fat: 24.2
Carbs: 15
Fiber: 0
Protein: 25.4

 

This picture is a left-over fajita because I forgot to get a picture on the first day!

They look so much better than this the first time...really...

This is Your Life...

It seems like just last week I wrote about turning 45. It wasn’t…it was a whole year ago and here I am – 46. Life is speeding by at a breakneck pace and I have so much I want to do, personally and professionally. Heck, I don’t know if I have enough time left (even if I live another half-century) to read all the books on my list!

I can’t help but think that part of the reason life flies by so fast is that I’m spending so much time worrying about what’s coming next, planning for this or that, and preparing for the other shoe to drop. Experts estimate that 85% of those things we worry about never happen. I’m wasting a lot of time.

This need to slow down and enjoy life a little more, is the reason for these particular New Year’s resolutions of mine:

#4. Learn how to do yoga and meditate

Last year I wrote about my love of running and the prospect of running my first half-marathon at 45…that was the last race I completed - February 2013. I still love running but there hasn’t been much of it for the last 6 months, since I slipped and fell on wet concrete stairs. Instead my time has been taken up visiting a chiropractor and working out on the gentler elliptical machine. There will be running again. In fact, Allison starts the Girls on the Run program in March and we plan to run a couple of races together this summer. Running is hard but the benefits of it, which spill over into all other areas of my life, outweigh my whininess and in the end, I love it for what it does for me.

Unfortunately, I now have the tailbone injury added to a tendency toward tendonitis, plantar faciitis and almost every other musculoskeletal-itis there is. My hope is that yoga will replace the chiropractor by keeping my muscles long and more flexible and my body properly aligned. I’m in the process of finding a great place to go that fits in my schedule. I’d like to take a private class…we’ll see what I find. Eventually, I’d prefer to do it at home but I know I need some instruction first.

I’ve tried meditating before. It’s a little like trying to read right beside a NASCAR track. My mind is the NASCAR track and every thought is a different car. It can get a little discouraging. The instructions I’ve read say to start slowly with just a minute or two and don’t fight the thoughts, just try to lengthen spaces between the thoughts. I will certainly try with the goal of slowing the racing thoughts, creating space to breathe, to relax and face the day open and calm.

To that end, this article by Lissa Rankin, MD really struck a chord with me. Grace, I guess, is what I’m striving for in all of my relationships; a way to be less reactive and look at the perspective of others; especially those closest to me. I’m practicing offering grace…and space to my adult children, in particular, to let them succeed or fail on their own and live lives entirely of their choosing.

Lissa Rankin's 10 tips for receiving criticism with grace

#8. Spend more time being creative: write, draw, craft, cook and photograph

Brene Brown says that if we stifle creativity, it doesn’t just go away. Unused creativity expresses itself in anxiety, tension and uneasiness. This is astonishing to me! I’m often so busy with my lists of things to get done that I feel like I’m wasting time if I sit down to read or write…let alone craft or photograph. Cooking is something I do anyway and finding new recipes is always fun for me. I’m excited to play more and use more of my time to be creative this year.

#11. Spend more time looking at the people I love with my undivided attention

“The eyes are the window to the soul.” – William Shakespeare

Is there anything better than really connecting with those we love? Connecting on Facebook has been so much fun for me. I love seeing pictures of family and friends and their children and grandchildren as well as reading interesting articles. I also have quite of few games of Words with Friends going. But, it’s time for me to put the phone or tablet down when it’s interfering with communication and connection that’s happening right in front of me.

I’m hoping to seal more memories in my mind and slow time down a bit by focusing on the moment, the loved one, the conversation – by making eye contact, then and there. Whether I’m putting Abby to sleep, or discussing any of the kids’ days, or having a conversation with Rich, I will pay attention in that moment – not worrying about what needs to be done next or what’s going on in the electronic world.

I try to keep Switchfoot’s lyric, “This is your life, are you who you want to be?” foremost in my mind as I decide what changes to make and what things to leave in place; when to say “no” and when to shout “yes!” I hope, in so doing, that this year of being 46-years-old will bring with it a life more tailored to me and those I love the most.

Oh Reuben, How I've Missed You!

I enjoy a good Reuben Sandwich. This is what Wikipedia has to say about its’ creation:

One account holds that Reuben Kulakofsky (sometimes spelled Reubin, or the last name shortened to Kay), a Lithuanian-born grocer from Omaha, Nebraska, was the inventor, perhaps as part of a group effort by members of Kulakofsky's weekly poker game held in the Blackstone Hotel from around 1920 through 1935. The participants, who nicknamed themselves "the committee", included the hotel's owner, Charles Schimmel. The sandwich first gained local fame when Schimmel put it on the Blackstone's lunch menu, and its fame spread when a former employee of the hotel won a national contest with the recipe.^[1]

Other accounts hold that the Reuben's creator was Arnold Reuben, the German owner of the once-famous, now defunct Reuben's Delicatessen in New York City,^[3] who, according to an interview with Craig Claiborne, invented the "Reuben special" around 1914.^[4] The earliest references in print to the sandwich are New York–based but that is not conclusive evidence, though the fact that the earliest, from a 1926 edition of Theatre Magazine, references a "Reuben special", does seem to take its cue from Arnold Reuben's menu.

I prefer to use the Reuben from Omaha history because, let’s face it, New York really has enough attributed to it.

When we were first married, we lived in Crestview, Florida. We were stationed at Eglin AFB. We discovered the Reuben Sandwich at Mia’s Restaurant there shortly after we arrived. We ate there weekly (I think on Mondays) for the 18 months we were there.

When we were transferred to Bellevue, NE we didn’t find a place close to home where we could get a good Reuben. We did find a great Mom & Pop Mexican restaurant (Lil Burro) that became our regular place to eat out. Then, 8 years later, we moved to Gretna. We had a 3-year-old and you know how fun they are to take out to eat! Besides, it’s pretty far from our house to any good restaurants so we just got out of the habit of eating out. Add to that, 2 ½ years ago I went gluten-free and by then the prospect of ever having a Reuben Sandwich again seemed all but impossible.

Enter my reinvigorated self this New Year! I’m dedicated to eating REALLY good, fun food. I enjoy food…A LOT…so when food gets boring, I can rebel a bit and not want to adhere to a well-balance diet. I want flavor and variety – something to look forward to, that makes my eyes light up. This is not a low calorie meal, so it will require some planning for the rest of the day, but it’s so worth it!

I used marble rye bread for the family and for mine I used my Udi’s Flax and Fiber bread. This bread is not fabulous but it’s good toasted and with a sandwich as flavorful as a Reuben, it’s perfect. I buttered both sides of the bread and toasted them on the griddle. They turned out so great! I hope you have time to try one soon!

Recipe:

Udi’s Flax and Fiber bread                          2 slices, buttered and grilled

Land O Lakes light butter w/ canola oil        1 tablespoon

Thousand Island Dressing                           1 tablespoon

Corned beef, deli                                         2 oz

Sauerkraut                                                  4 tablespoons (or whatever you can get to fit)

Swiss Cheese                                             1 ounce slice

Nutrition Facts:

Calories: 482

Fat: 32.7

Carbs: 26.3

Fiber: 6

Protein: 21.3

Accidental Humility

I wrote this back in December. It's been hiding in my notebook since then. I have been reluctant to publish it because it doesn't shed a very favorable light on me. I have wrestled with it for a month or so and decided, so what - life happens. My perspective has been altered because of it. Maybe someone elses will be too.

I don't think I had road rage. I had road entitlement. I was frequently exasperated by people but I was also friendly, saying things like, "thanks guy!" and waving if someone let me in. I still continually judge driving ability - like the people - I saw one just today who swerve to exit the interstate at the last minute scarcely missing the short poles that mark the exit. As if the risk of that is worth it when you can just go to the next exit and turn around or go the long way through town. 

My road entitlement first became evident in the mid-90's. Even then I was trying to keep it at bay. One day, a driver in front of me did something I can't even remember and all I did was sigh heavily. Alex, then about 4 years-old, said, "That guy's an idiot, right Mom?" He'd heard that somewhere before. I know. I'm sure the Mother of Year Award went to me that year.

In early 2013, I was explaining to Rich how when particular drivers (in construction or on one particular overpass I take to work) speed to the front of the closed lane and then put on a blinker, it really drives me crazy. My reasoning was that they have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and think what they're going to do is more important that what the rest of us, who have been patiently waiting in line, have to do. He looked at me, puzzled, and said, "I don't think it's that. I think they're just going about their day, worried about what they have to get done at home and work." He's often right about these things.

My accidental humility came, as I said, in early December when I was a tish late for a hair appointment. I was waiting to turn right out of my neighborhood. A car was coming in the right lane of the four lane highway. No one was in the left lane. After she passed by and it was clear for me to pull out, she changed to the left lane. I irritatedly thought to myself (and may have actually said out loud), "Now you change lanes!"

As I got closer to her, I saw that she had the Nebraska license plate with one star that read, "Fallen Hero," then, on a yellow ribbon I recognized Matthew's name - a fallen hero from the war in Iraq who has a street in our town named for him...

This as I was listening to Josh Groban's Christmas CD, "Truly he taught us to love one another..." I had let my tendency to rush cause me to be irritated by a few seconds delay without thinking of the real human in that vehicle: a mother who has experienced unfathomable grief and given the greatest sacrifice.

This made me wonder - how many other people with less obvious pain I've been irritated with for no reason? There was a lesson here for me - and maybe for all of us - that we get out of our own heads and consider that other people may actually have more important things going on than being late for a haircut...or simply that a few seconds either way doesn't matter.

It's one of the reasons New Year's Resolution #15 is so important to me: I will carry courage, compassion (including self-compassion) and connection with me in my heart on the journey of this one life...even when things get scary (or frustrating).

Who knows, it's possible the person in that other vehicle is carrying precious cargo like this:

Baby Unicorns and Friday Nights

The title of this blog post will only make sense after you’ve seen the video below. It will leave you chuckling for days. You’ll have to listen again…and again…

I’m often late to discover things. TED talks started in 1984. They’ve been on the web since 2007. My husband and oldest son knew about them – or so they told me when I so exuberantly came to enlighten them with my find early last year! The first one I listened to was Brene Brown, who I’ve posted here before. Another one that really moved me is this one by Shawn Achor. I’ve posted it on Facebook a couple of times (cause I really, really, really like him…but not in a stalker-ish or otherwise awkward way at all). His talk is pertinent now because it’s where I got four of my New Year’s Resolutions (the fifth one I already do).

The reason these people are so impressive to me is that they are researchers. They aren’t warm and fuzzy self-help gurus pitching their next of 200 books. They do write…but in moderation…and they’re smart, dedicated, conscientious, socially responsible people. They’re people I want to know and be. And they’re hilarious, which makes listening to them even more fun. Rich and I attended TEDx Omaha this fall. Look for one in your city. They’re inspiring, moving and fun – a day well spent.  They’ll make you an even better person than you are right now. Promise.

Happy New...Everything!

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." -Henry Ford

Failure has never been a good time for me. I've not seen the opportunity, only all that  work now down the drain. I wish I could say I've evolved past that but I haven't.

I spent most of 2013 absorbed in my family and work. I rarely put myself first and it shows. I have some fantastic excuses for ignoring myself: the boys are living with us while they get back on their feet - Adam after the Army and Alex after becoming a father July 9, 2013. His baby is Abigail (Abby) August Enerson. She is beautiful, happy, thriving and adored - as every baby should be. She is also another little member of the family who requires time and attention. Allison's activity schedule can sometimes be completely out of control. Then there's time to eke out to spend with Rich. All of this before the full-time job that takes so much time and attention away from me and all of  them.

The piece I'm missing is what the airlines tell us to do in case of an emergency when we fly: place the oxygen masks on yourself first. We're all better able to function in all of our roles if we've first taken care of our needs, at minimum, for exercise, good food and sleep.

So, last week-end, I asked the trainer I've been with for almost three years if I should quit, citing the fact that I've been struggling for the last year. During the return phone call he said, "You know, you're kind of like that kid in college who does okay for a couple of semesters and then blows a semester and has to take time off because he's on academic probation." My instinct was to fire back with "you're not the boss of me!"  Then, he told me I just need to decide to do what works - to decide to do it right. I know he's right because I've decided before. But inside I want to call him a stupid jerkface and give him my signature scowl. This is the 5 year-old in me who wants something magical and maybe princess-y to happen that will make this not my problem anymore.

He is able to talk me off the ledge (of the pricess castle)...with how it takes time to get this right after so many years of doing it wrong. How it's easy, normal even, to revert back to old habits when you're not paying attention...

So, in 2014, I resolve (decide) to:

1. Eat my allotted calories for the day and no more.
2. Exercise with measurable improvement daily.
3. Drink 8 glasses of water/day.
4. Learn how to do yoga and meditate.
5. Journal one happy memory daily.
6. Perform random acts of kindness daily.
7. Sleep 7-8 hours per night.
8. Spend more time being creative: write, draw, craft, cook and photograph.
9. Organize as a hobby: one room at a time, weekly meals, finances, work office, photo albums.
10. Make and keep preventative medical and dental appointments.
11. Spend more time looking at the people I love with my undivided attention.
12. Elicit the help of others when I feel like I'm on overload.
13. List 3 new things I'm grateful for every day.
14. Reward myself for small goals I've achieved in order to keep the momentum going.
15. And, the personal mantra I developed in the class I just took: I will carry courage, compassion (including self-compassion) and connection with me in my heart on the journey of this one life...even when things get scary.


Happy New Year 2014. Off we go!