Omaha is My Homaha...

I’ve lived here close to 14 years. Longer than I’ve lived anywhere – except where I grew up. It doesn’t have much to do with how long I’ve lived here though; it felt like home almost as soon as we got here. It probably  felt like that because we were coming from the panhandle of Florida – as far away from Middle America as one can get. I have nothing against the Deep South and I still love to visit...I just don’t want to live there.

I feel this profound sense of belonging here mostly upon my return from somewhere else. We visited my family at the farm in SD this last week-end. It was the perfect mix of ‘going home’ and ‘coming home.’ The ‘coming home’ was accentuated by the exhaustion of the activity while we were gone and the drive (10 hours each way) that can get to anyone. As we drove into town and took the 680 exit, we saw ‘big city’ off to the left – a term we’ve stolen from the cartoon Oswald. Allison has called downtown Omaha ‘big city’ since she was about three. We call it that now, too.

Then we saw the red light towers – five of them right south of Immanuel Hospital – my guideposts when Rich was in rehab there for 6 weeks after his surgery. From the dining area on his floor, I could see the red light tower by our home and wonder when we’d finally be there.

Our big kids graduated from High School here, learned to drive, learned to live and love here. They all feel more at home here than anywhere they’ve ever lived. It’s a good place to live and raise kids – which is really what it’s all about for me.

Finally, we got to our exit at Gretna where we have an Atlas Van Lines building. Allison says she knows that’s our exit because it has the “At last” building by it. I was thinking the same thing baby girl – “at last!” 

"Big City"

Photo Courtesy of: http://uscty.deviantart.com/art/Omaha-Skyline-170578351

The Great Chocolate Detox

It starts with awareness, I suppose. The awareness that I treat chocolate like I imagine an addict treats heroin or any other drug of choice. It’s the craziest thing but I’ve discussed it with others who have the same vice and the same behavior issues with it. I’ve read about the dopamine receptors in our brains that are responsible for this phenomenon. I know I’m not alone.

If awareness is the start, attention and observation are what come next. Because you’ve developed this awareness, you can’t devour chocolate anymore – at least not in the mindless frenzy you’re used to. Attention and observation bring you in for a closer look. They tell you things like – “Your stomach hurts after you eat chocolate” and “Less than an hour after you eat chocolate, you crash.” Exhaustion is no fun. Neither is a bellyache. If both of these things are a direct result of eating chocolate – then it would stand to reason that chocolate is no fun.

Enter abstinence. As a rule, I’m a proponent of sanely governed moderation. I’d say abstinence, when applied to any one type of food, will result in a period of “white-knuckling” it followed by a ridiculous binge. I don’t think I’ve ever tried abstinence before though (you can’t really count gluten as I have gluten-free substitutes for most anything). I’ve abstained from chocolate for three weeks and I feel great! I have no more cravings, no roller coaster ride of manic energy followed by debilitating exhaustion, no countdown until the next time I have chocolate. I feel even, balanced and healthy.

It’s not that I’ll never eat chocolate again. For the love of Pete, I’m not an extremist! I just need to figure out how and when I can be sane with it. What’s your food vice? How do you control it?

Photo courtesy of funscrape.com

All-the-way Worth It!

I attended a Wellness Conference in Nebraska City last weekend. It was so good despite the fact that it was on my 5^th and 6^th days of work last week! There were many great presenters but the most profound voice for me came from Dr. Edward Phillips from the Harvard Center for Lifestyle Medicine.

He doesn’t have a story like some of the rest of us – an “aha” moment that made him turn his life around and get healthy. He’s just had a passion for overall health and wellness as a public health issue throughout his career.

To keep it simple, he says, there are three main things we need to do to stay healthy throughout our lives:

1. Eat 35 servings of fruits and vegetables (or legumes) per week
2. Get 150 minutes of physical activity per week
3. Don’t smoke

These three simple things, in studies, did as much as a coronary stent to treat heart disease! Yet, I didn’t do 2/3 of them for SO many years. I had alot of company – as the graph below demonstrates; only 5% of the country, according to the CDC, adheres to all three of these basic recommendations. Just five percent makes me wince. What are we doing?

Sadly, what we seem to be doing instead is building into our hospitals bariatric accessible bathrooms, purchasing bariatric scales, carts and beds, teaching bariatric sensitivity classes, selling more hover-rounds, teaching surgeons how to perform bariatric surgery, paying for pharmaceutical companies to develop medications to not only treat obesity but the Type 2 Diabetes that is directly correlated to it. Medical spending associated with obesity-related diseases topped out at $147 BILLION dollars in 2012. The rapidly rising rate of obesity and the sequelae that follow are bankrupting our country. We’re doing it to ourselves.

I’ve had my “aha” moment, so these days, I easily get 210 minutes of physical activity per week. I still don’t smoke. I can sometimes struggle with 5 servings per day of fruits and vegetables. I consistently get 3-4 servings per day so bumping that up to five shouldn’t be hard, especially in the summer and fall.

All of this can increase the amount of money we spend on groceries. Overall, though, it will decrease the amount of money spent in healthcare costs for our families. We will be able to work until we choose not to, and our lives will be more enjoyable, active and rewarding; more the life we’ve always envisioned.

As I’ve learned through the last couple of years, changing your life is all about being a problem-solver – if you see a barrier, find a way to get around it. For instance, are you embarrassed to take a packed lunch onto a plane? It would be more embarrassing to be unable to fit in the seat. Harness the power of your mind like this and put it to work for you!

While you’re working on the harness, pack your brain with as much information as you can. There are people out there doing this right – ask them questions. Find out what they do – how do they find balance and good health? Read everything you can. Start with the great websites below but continue searching on your own – send me websites or books that have moved you. I need all the help I can get!

The bottom line is that it is our responsibility to care for this one body we were gifted. It’s not easy. But it’s all-the-way worth it!

"What is the single best thing we can do for our health?" (Video)

EdibleOmaha - find out where to get your homegrown produce!

Bountiful Baskets Food Co-op - find one in your area!

AHA - start walking now program

Walking Connection - looks so fun!

Running for Beginners

CDC Smoking Cessation site - even has a hotline!

Smokefree.gov

Twice Baked Deliciousness

Twice baked potatoes…is there anyone who doesn’t love them? I enjoy loaded baked potatoes, as I’ve said before. These are basically the same thing, just smushed all together but my family thinks I worked some kind of magic with these. Like some of my best recipes, I made them by accident. I planned a loaded baked potato bar for family dinner last night. As it turned out, everyone but me preferred to have left-overs from the taco bar we had Saturday night…we’re obviously into the “bar” concept around here.

Regardless, I had five baked potatoes left-over and a turkey tenderloin in the fridge. I looked up a recipe for twice baked potatoes, altered it a bit and in 40 minutes, we had a great weekday dinner on the table. We also had a dinner that didn't feel restrictive. I didn't feel deprived or left out. I love that! 

These potatoes could go with just about any kind of meat – even grilled meat. I bet you could roll them in foil and put them on the grill so you don’t heat up the house in the summer months. I’ll be giving that a try sometime soon.

Twice Baked Potatoes

5 Baked Potatoes

½ cup milk

5 tbsp sour cream

5 tbsp canola butter

2.5 oz shredded cheddar cheese

Salt and pepper to taste

Topping

1.5 oz shredded cheddar cheese

70 grams real bacon bits

Use left-over baked potatoes or bake the potatoes in a 375 degree oven for 1 hour. Cut the potatoes in half, lengthwise. Scoop out most of the potato (leaving a little to stabilize the “shell”) and place in a mixing bowl. Place the shells in a shallow baking pan. To the potatoes, add: milk, sour cream, butter, cheese, salt and pepper. Mix with a hand mixer until smooth. Scoop the back into the shells. Top each with cheese and bacon bits and bake at 375 degrees for 20 minutes.

Nutrition Facts for one shell (half of a potato): 

• Calories: 189
• Fat: 9.6
• Carbs: 18.9
• Fiber: 1.5
• Protein: 8.9

Happy Mother's Day!

“There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child – and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own.” ~ Robert Brault

I was a young mother. I was married, attending nursing school and twenty-one years old. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother. I was in a hurry to get on with it and so was my then-husband who wanted children before the age of thirty. Like most first-time mothers, I had no idea what I was doing. It was on-the-job training.

My immaturity made me pretty uptight with those first two children. We had them 12 months and 7 days apart. Add my age, the last two years of nursing school, and an unstable marriage to the mix and you have a recipe for (if not disaster) chaos. That’s what the first years of their lives felt like to me and I wish, knowing what I know now, I could go back and fix it for them. But, I’m trying to move past regret and living in the past, knowing all I can fix is today and living in the comfort of the words of Maya Angelou: “When you know better, you do better.”

Remember having that first child? That expansive love was a little overwhelming. When the next child is on the way, you wonder, “How can I possibly love another as much as I love this one?” The miracle of that second child is you realize there is immeasurable, expansive love in your heart, undiminished by the number of children and/or people you welcome into your life.

I have explained to my children, when they’ve asked who I love more, that I love them differently. I’m not sure they completely understand yet. It’s not that I love any one of them less than the other. I (and every other mother) have to make adjustments for personality and temperament. While one child will be reduced to tears with a harsh tone, the other may be oblivious to the fact that you’ve even spoken. They require a different approach.

Mothering from different maturity levels has been an eye-opening experience for me. There’s so much I used to be uptight about that doesn’t actually matter at all: messy faces, spilled anything, and opinions that differ from my own. I feel less like an authoritarian and more like a vessel; more like a guide through their lives which, I now realize, are very much their own.

Mothering has expanded in me to many different people – my step-daughter, my children’s friends, and younger friends of my own. It comes so naturally to me to be a caretaker and mother. I’ve come from a long line of incredible mothers. I’ve befriended some great mothers. I’ve learned so much from all of them. I continue to learn how to mother and have found that the best teachers are my children. I listen to their needs and wants; respond by giving all I can, guiding the way, holding them up, providing a foundation and a launching pad. Many times they don’t listen, like I didn’t.

Even if they aren't listening, my hope is that my unconditional love is written on their hearts and souls and that it will be a constant for them throughout their lives. I am so grateful to pass the legacy of unconditional love on to them.

Our perfect patchwork family

...a Little Stitious

Are you superstitious? I don’t really think I am, but I have avoided a black cat who was going to cross my path on more than one occasion, I don’t walk under ladders and I will lament the coming 7 years of bad luck if I break a mirror. The reason I ask is I was reticent to write this post because I didn’t want to jinx myself! Okay, so maybe I am superstitious…a little.

Over the last few years my prescription for healing my life has been exercise with daily measurable improvement, eating good food in the right quantities, getting 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and focusing on gratitude for at least 10 minutes every day. The last four days have been a perfect effort. They’re a testament to how quickly I can feel revitalized. Running and walking out in the sunshine have played a big part in how great I feel, too.

Every time this happens – this hitting my stride – I wonder, “How can I hold onto this?” Every time I’ve responded, “This won’t be hard. Just look at how good you feel! You wouldn’t sacrifice this for anything!” But then I do. Which has lead me to believe that I can’t really be trusted. And if I can’t trust myself then who CAN I trust?

The one thing that’s different this time is I’ve cut out chocolate. I don’t typically have problems controlling the portions of any other food. Chocolate has become a slippery slope to MORE chocolate. It’s become an unhealthy coping mechanism. I’ve replace that afternoon sweet treat with strawberries which are fantastic right now. I have to admit, it hasn’t been much of a sacrifice.

Cutting out chocolate may be the long-term answer for me. More possibly, this will be a lifetime effort – tweaking this or that for what works at any given time. I like the first answer better – it’s more definitive, less messy; easier. The great news is we can all try and try again to get it right. We have a choice every day to really live our lives, not just go through the motions. If you’re feeling exhausted from poor food choices and lack of exercise - fix it. It’ll only take a few days and you’ll feel so much better.

Since I’m only a little superstitious, I’m taking the chance that this may jinx me. Instead, I hope it helps motivate me and maybe some of you as well! 

Photo courtesy of: indugly.com

Goodbye: Switzerland & Chocolate

There's been alot of talk about Switzerland lately. About now everyone is thinking, "There has?" and wondering what they missed. Those who work closely with me know. I like to BE Switzerland and I remind them of that often. I like people to do their work with minimal drama, ask for help when they need it and come back the next day and do the same thing. This happens with some - not many and certainly not all. I've told you before, though, that I work in an Emergency Department and I work in this Emergency Department as one of the problem-solvers.

As much as I'd like to deny it, Switzerland's not going to be very effective as a problem-solver and change agent. My boss has been pushing me out of Switzerland for the last few weeks and I've been tip-toeing out a bit on my own. Okay, really I've just been sticking my toe out to test the temperature of the less passive, more diplomatic land across the border. These things make a lifelong peacemaker very uncomfortable. And when I get uncomfortable, I run for my drug of choice: chocolate. As many of you may already know - chocolate helps with NOTHING.

One of my recent "aha moments" came at a Domestic Violence Council breakfast celebration I attended earlier this week. The guest speaker was Chief Judge Shaun R. Floerke from Duluth, MN where they apparently deal with this Domestic Violence stuff right. His speech was great but it really hit me when he started talking about the cooperation it takes to move a program. He talked about how you have to leave your personal feelings out of it and ask those difficult questions to gain a better understanding of the people who are giving you trouble. It was one of those moments where I thought he was talking specifically to me. I had one of those difficult conversations as soon as I got back to work that morning.

That makes three difficult conversations in about ten days. They all went better than I had imagined and/or expected. What I've been reminded of - because I already knew it - is you don't have be Switzerland to be kind - you don't have to be a jerk to get your point across. You don't have to sacrifice any moral, ethical or professional standards in order to come to a compromise. Asking, "What can I do to make this work?" goes a really long way to building valuable bridges of cooperation. And a new level of mutual respect can be reached after open, honest conversations take place.

I'm moving forward in the hope that a more proactive, diplomatic approach in all areas of my life will serve me well. Switzerland will have to be just a beautiful place I'd like to visit one day. As for chocolate - we're 'on a break.' I don't know where our relationship will go from here but if it's not helping me, it's hurting me. So, it's goodbye for now. Maybe I'll have a bit of chocolate on my visit to Switzerland.

Is it a coincidence that the Swiss do chocolate best?

Image Courtesy of: elkella.blogspot.com

'We'll Eat Like Kings!' Shredded Pork

As our vegetarian daughter will lament, “My family’s a bunch of carnivores.” It’s true. We love ourselves some meat. When I was telling Alex and his friend Luke the plans for this meal, Alex said with mock bravado, “We’ll eat like Kings!” A little too much Game of Thrones for that one.

I’ve made this before but I made two mistakes. First, I used a crock pot. For some reason unbeknownst to me – and probably completely obvious to any one of you – the meat never gets to a point where it shreds like it does when you cook it in the oven. Maybe it does and I just haven’t cooked it in the crock pot for an entire day. Second, I left out the chipotle pepper in adobo sauce. 

It’s because I’m historically wimpy. Ask anyone. It’s true. It’s especially true for spicy food, pull-ups (not the big kid diapers), and anything that moves when I’m not the one driving it (motion sickness). But, enough about me…

I made this almost exactly like the recipe on Pioneer Woman’s site Pioneer Woman's Spicy Dr. Pepper Shredded Pork except that I had two pork shoulders – both about 2.5 lbs. I use root beer rather than Dr. Pepper because I like it better. I cooked them in two separate pots, one with the chipotle peppers and one without. I roasted them at 300 degrees for about 4 hours and they were perfect.

In the picture below, you can see that the spicy shredded pork was used for a soft-taco – with tons of sour cream to offset the burn-your-face-off spiciness. It wasn't really that spicy, I just like to say that. It was delicious. I will definitely make it again…and again.

The non-spicy shredded pork was served on buns. If I was Pioneer Woman, I would have toasted those buns in butter on a griddle and served them warm and crunchy. The family can dream, can’t they?

If you love pulled pork – you will love this recipe. You will also love how your whole day is free while it's cooking. The spicy variety can be used to make so many different things – tacos, nachos, burritos. The non-spicy version can be served with all kinds of side dishes – a picnic with salads or a sit-down dinner with any kind of potatoes. You can make small roasts like I did or a big one. Assure that you make enough to have left-overs. I did and I bet it’s going to be even better tomorrow! Enjoy!

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody & Nobody

In healthcare, where I work, we revere IHI – The Institute for Healthcare Improvement. My boss sent me this slide from an IHI webinar she attended today:

Reliability Occurs by Design Not by Accident

This is a story about 4 people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.  There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.  Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.  Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.  Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.  Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.  It ends up that Everybody blames Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

This is so true. It can be true at work but it’s SO true of what’s been happening with me over the last few weeks. The everybody, somebody, anybody and nobody within me are all slackin’. They know what needs to be done. They all know what it feels like to do it right. They’ve got their fingers pointed every which direction – who can we blame for this? Whose fault is it that we’re backsliding? Can we pinpoint exactly when this started? It probably has nothing to do with ME – it’s everything else – co-workers, family, bills…the endless to-do list.

The bottom line is, just like it is with bosses, who cares? What bosses want to hear is: I apologize. I take accountability for what happened but it’s fixed and it won’t happen again. Period. The less explanation the better; the less headache for them.

I’ve tried a course correction for the slacking issue – and written about it a few times. It hasn’t stuck. I really need it to stick. It’s time for a concrete plan of action. It’s time to quit making excuses and decide to stick to the plan I’ve set before me – to let them work for me instead of pushing them away.

In order to get it right, I have to start small – sleep well, plan exercise, plan food, and write everything down. I need to rest if it’s required. Stop, take note and breathe, when I get overwhelmed. And focus on putting me first. I’ve done this poorly for a lot of years. It’s going to take a little time to get it right. I live in the confidence that I will get it right – so will everybody, somebody, anybody and nobody. 

A gift from my friend Sheri, on my bathroom sink to look at daily...

Taco Bar Sunday

We have Taco Bar around here at least once a month. You'd think in the time I've been writing Mending Wendy, I'd have been able to get a good picture of it. I haven't. It's because, while easy, Taco Bar causes a little frenzy when you're getting it on the table - what with the stirring and the can opening and the warming. It's quite a spread - here's what's included in ours:

• Pulled Chicken taco meat
• Ground Beef taco meat
• Refried Beans
• Lettuce
• Shredded Cheese
• Soft taco shells
• Hard taco shells
• Black Olives
• Scoops Chips
• Salsa
• Sour Cream

All of that is just piled on the table - however you can get it to fit. Everyone builds their own taco, burrito, chalupa, taco salad, or nachos from those fixin's. We love it! One of the great things about this is calories are easy because you measure everything separately. Today, I didn't have enough calories left for the full tablespoon of sour cream on my nachos, so I had half of a tablespoon. It's easy to finagle the pieces you want to fit the calories you have left. If you want an easy dinner with plenty of left-overs to pack in lunches (or to have the next day like we did back in January - pictured below) - give this a try!

Grave Injustices

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi

In the days following 9/11, I only left the television to sleep and go to work. The stories of the terrorists – the insidious way they entered the country and took flying lessons enraged me. Their actions on that day paralyzed me. I’d never known unspeakable fear. I’d never been terrorized.

Then came the memorials and the stories of heroism, the real faces of all of those victims and their devastated families. It was all too much. It felt disrespectful to quit watching and listening…to go on with our lives.

Not long after that – in April of the next year, my favorite newsman of all time – David Bloom – died of a pulmonary embolism while covering the war in Iraq. This was back when I regularly watched the news. They played the song “Could We Start Again, Please” from the Broadway Show Jesus Christ Superstar at his memorial. I downloaded that song and played it again and again…it made me sob. I was really feeling this as if he was my husband or father – or at the very least a close friend. I was merely a fan of his work.

What I have learned in the years since and through the tragedies since is that our brains and bodies respond to those things we watch and hear as if they are actually happening to us…if we let them. That’s a lot to put a mind and body through again and again. Empathy and compassion are good things, but back in 2001 and 2002 – when I was dealing with these tragedies as well as my own personal crisis in Rich’s brain surgery – I started to feel too fragile to exist in this world.

When the unthinkable happens, like the Sandy Hook school shooting or the Boston Marathon Bombing, I’m still enraged, hurt and scared. But I’m not paralyzed. I don’t sit and watch news coverage. I take small bits as I can – usually in print. I try to focus on what I wished the world looked like. I’m not talking Polly Anna or rose-colored glasses – I’m just talking about a world in which we’re not terrorized. These horrifying acts occurred because of hatred. I want nothing to do with hatred so I don’t let the rage go too far. I choose to trust in the justice system. I want to be part of the solution – not part of the problem. Anyone spewing hate in conversation: online, in person or on television - must be conscious of his or her audience and be willing to take responsibility for their message. Who will be called to violent action by the words of that conversation?

Terror for me means feeling afraid to gather in large groups because someone who hates Americans or hates the government feels they need to make a “statement” by taking the lives of innocent people. Terror for me means sending our sons and daughters in the military to fight and die in one country when al qaeda is everywhere.  It means experiencing fear sending my child to school because some lunatic might be lurking…planning…attacking. Raising a child in a world where there are armed teachers or schools with armed guards is a form of terrorism for me, too. It makes me cringe.

Instead of giving in to the rage, hatred and terror, I volunteer for the Medical Reserve Corp in our community, to give what help I can here and to be that change I wish to see in the world. I pray – over and over again. I hold those dear to me just a bit closer. I try to show simple human kindness to my fellow man. All of this won’t stop those grave injustices from happening, but if we all went a little bit further, if we all rejected hate – our world just might become a better place in which to exist. 

Be the change that stops the cycle of violence...

The Gift of Forever Friends

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” – George Elliot

I hope you have people like these five wonderful women in your life. We were together last night – all of us – for the first time in seven years. There have been two or three of us together many times a year for a girl’s night out or a girl’s trip to Vegas. It’s hard to get us all in one space, though, when two of us now live out-of-state.

Thirteen years ago, we were all working at the same hospital, having frequent outings, sharing in one another’s daily lives. Thanks to Facebook, email, and texting, we still have a lot of contact. It’s just not the same as being enveloped in the loving energy the presence of these forever-friends provides. Our hugs are much longer now than when we saw each other more often, as if we have to make up for lost time.  

Even though it has been too long since we’ve all been together, we don’t miss a beat, conversations take off, words spill out so fast we sometimes stumble over one another and Sherry has to call things to order with “Circle Time!” This way we each get a turn. We laugh so hard that tears flow – at old stories and new ones.

Tears flow for other reasons, too. Life has thrown a lot at each of us. We’re raising children, having grandchildren, helping aging parents and learning how to say goodbye to them, building houses, moving across the country, working hard, and trying to etch out some time in between for ourselves. Sometimes just seeing empathy and compassion in the eyes of someone who loves us dearly makes it impossible to hold it together anymore. As it should be…

I’m still smiling – on my face and in my heart today, thinking about how it felt to be with them all again. They make life less difficult for me not only because of the comic relief they provide but also because I see myself in each of them. Because of them, I have an overwhelming sense that everything is going to be okay but even if it’s not, they’ll be with me…forever. What a priceless gift…

Cathy, Ann, Me, Heather, Mary Kay and Sherry.

April 2013

Sow Seeds of Gratitude

I had my daughter later in life. I was categorized, in the words used by maternity folks, as being of “advanced maternal age” at the age of thirty-seven. Aging, or at least thinking of it as threatening or scary, had never really hit me until then. So many changes have taken place in the years since Allison’s arrival. All of those changes aren’t because of her but many of them are closely related.

Mothers of daughters are dedicated to showing them a better way. Mothers of sons are dedicated too – it’s just different. What is accepted in our sons isn't necessarily accepted in our daughters. Our society would have our daughters sit nicely, remain quiet, mind their manners. The images in their tween and teen magazines tell them how they should look and feel and create all sorts of anxiety if they don’t fit into the mold. The adventuresome spirit they’re born with is stifled by concern with how they will look kayaking, skiing, running, jumping or doing most anything. They don’t understand that doing just exactly what they choose will create their best life. They don’t understand how fulfilling and amazing their life will be because they made their own choice and then tenaciously plowed forward, undeterred.

I am fortunate that my daughter was born with not only that adventuresome spirit, but also a steadfast will, an old soul and a kind heart. Before I knew all of this about her – that’s what I wanted for her. If I was to be not only her mother but also her mentor – her example, some things in me had to change. I needed to be much closer to the person I wanted her to become. I needed to wrestle with my own fears and anxieties – have a staring contest with them and win. I have to show her that, no matter how you’re feeling on the inside, you throw those shoulders back and lift your head and look the world square in the face as if to say, “bring it.”

A side benefit (and there are so many others) has been that I’m not worried much about aging. I think aging is more difficult for people who did fit in the mold. As for me, I’m in better shape than I’ve been in over twenty years. I will continue to be strong. I will continue to show her how, just as it is for men, age is just a number. Sure, age comes with its challenges but they don’t have to be as limiting as we allow them to be and we don’t have to be critical of our bodies because of it. We have to learn to work with those changes – alter our perspective and continue to do those things we choose to do, undeterred.

Part of providing an example for her has been teaching her how to be grateful for what she has – her family, her friends, her pets, her room, her toys, and the beauty of nature. She has mentioned before (already) that her legs are bigger than a couple of her friends’ legs. We talked about being grateful that she was given strong, muscular legs. My hope is that she can carry this gratitude for the body she was gifted through those horrible-body-image years and beyond.

Even if you don’t have a daughter – it will help you to practice gratitude for the body and mind you were given too. Look how far they’ve brought you! Age in the body and mind you were gifted with grace and gratitude rather than cynicism and loathing. You will find that it will make you happier, kinder, more optimistic, and more willing to say "yes" to any experience you choose!

She fills my heart with gratitude. April 2013.

...Starring You as The Greatest Gift

What better gift can you give your spouse than the gift of your time and undivided, kid-free attention? I started doing this a few years ago for birthday and Christmas, and even sometimes a “just-because” for Rich. He requires very little and those things he does want/need have very clear specifications. He usually purchases those without waiting for any holiday. Besides, I have an aversion to buying a “gift” for him that he’s written the specs down for – not much surprise/romance there!

So, I started buying gifts of two event tickets for him. Luckily (for him), he’s chosen to take me to these events as his date! They’ve typically been concerts – Fleetwood Mac, Matchbox Twenty, Bob Dylan. Last year, for his 50^th birthday we trekked to Kansas City to see one of our favorite bands - O.A.R. We made an overnight stay of it at the Crown Center Marriott. It was wonderful! They’re going to be in Kansas City again in June and so will we! Last night was Rich’s Christmas present – the comedian Lewis Black at the beautiful Holland Center downtown.

There were many years Rich didn’t feel well enough to go out. Then there were the years we were reluctant to get a babysitter because we’re generally overprotective of our little Peanut. Now, we have young adult children who gladly watch their sister. Allison is old enough to listen to reason and knows what the expectations are when Mom & Dad are gone. We can leave her with her siblings without thinking twice.

I make a point to get made-up and dressed-up for these outings. I silence my phone and check it infrequently (just in case the kids need something). I shake off whatever worry might be weighing on me – who wants to go on a date with a worrywart? Me neither. I try to be the date I’d want to have – no nagging (not that I EVER do this anyway), no worrying, no conversation about kids. I focus on being happy, forgetting about work and the harried world we live in, looking into his eyes and making him feel like the center of the universe.

These have been, by far, the best gifts I’ve ever given. As it turns out, they’ve been one of the greatest gifts I’ve received as well. They have been the most fun and life-renewing. They’ve created lasting memories and moments of connection that have strengthened our marriage.

If you haven’t gifted like this before, it might be worth a try. You have to go all-in though with your focus on being a fun date – even if you don’t feel it at first. Discuss the rules for the date ahead of time. Relax and enjoy. Who knew YOU would be the greatest gift of all? 

Us. April 2013